Bury but remember | Coffin calls

As the headline suggests in a really grotesque way, I have someone to bury. I have lost my last grandparent, who is related to me by blood. I'm still not sure how to react to it, just like I didn't know how to react when first of them died (or actually second, since I never got to know my fathers father).

It's weird. I do not believe in heaven or hell, but if there is any kind of afterlife, my grandparents are finally together now. All four of them. Especially I have felt sad for my mothers father; he lost his love a long time ago, but then again. Where ever they are, they are all together now.

I have talked about death especially to one of my co-workers. He wants to be frozen so he can maybe wake up later. I think that's sick but I kind of see his point in it. Or then he's just messing with me, which isn't that rare. I myself don't want to live too long, if you know what I mean.

I don't know which is more devilish; having clear mind and body failing or ending up with half of the brain working every three days, having one day of clear sense. Both seem nasty, cruel and heart-breaking to anyone around.

In my future, I hope that Euthanasia is legal. That I have a choice, or people around me can deside to pull the plug before I'm too lost in somewhere. I do understand that it hurts, but I don't want to be a nuisance or even worse; not being able to understand what's around me.

But then again. Maybe science evolves to the point that I can't ever reach the graveyard. Although I hope that someday I can finally rest in piece.

Working from year to another | Welcome 2017

Like every living and thinking being in this planet, I have also been remembering times from last year. Feels little weird calling it last year, less than 30 hours after.

It was like a roller coaster. And not always the funniest or awesome, but also sad and depressing. People who know me, I have fought against high level of anxiety. And this year showed me that I'm coping with it pretty well. Countless times my first instinct was to get away from people, isolate myself completely. Instead I have stood against that feeling. I have felt the fear, loneliness and sorrow trying to get control of me. So I have grown. So much, that I'm not even capable to measure it like it was a cup of water or bucket full of snow.

This year was on gamer scale Legendary. To put it on easier terms, this has been one of the hardest years. My anxiety has been kind of keeping me in a safe bubble; not really taking risks or jumping to unknown. But after this year, I feel like I can leave to Iceland or Canada if I feel like it. I feel stronger, more myself. Like I have woken up form a distant dream.

Lapland. Terrorist-attacks. Bar work, Wacken...

So much. And when I became friends with a girl living close to Isis-attacks, all of that became very real. Also going to a festival made for over 80 000 people, in Germany, I was worried. All of it became real. And I am so glad that I live in Finland, this is super safe although law is sometimes (read; all of the times) ridiculously strict. But then again. Better this way, i guess.

And my time in Lapland. I loved it. I will go back there, when it suits my whole life better. Now it's my time to be a bartender. Although my attitude towards it has been evolving, too. Like many other jobs, that is a place where you learn something new even after hundred of years. And what's the funny part? The second you think that you know it all, someone pulls the rug under you and you fall. The higher you think of yourself, the higher the fall. When you get over your head and think that "I'm the best" someone comes and makes you question your self-esteem. But if you have bright eyes and toss the shitty know-it-all attitude to the garbage, if you can stomach tease and really bad, sometimes pure evil comments from all over, you'll be fine. If you don't know, ask, even if someone laughs; don't let it get to you. Everything comes and goes and getting stuck with one comment is pointless.

Well that was more of a rant than memory-lane. But I really needed to get it out. I have been hearing comments about my work; all fail to understand, I'm starting to see why most restaurant-people date other restaurant-people; it's much easier. I wish that I'm lucky to meet someone, who understands completely my passion for work, since that thrives me to go on at the moment.

So my year was pretty much lived like those days would be my last. You know, I won't regret it at any cost. It has been a ride to remember, although my days have been mushed together in my devious brain... partly at least.

Have fun with 2017! I know I will!