I am really sorry, I haven't even remembered that I still have a blog! Whoops.
I think it's finally time to look what's real; me becoming a guide is seriously taking a d-tour to the bartending, since I am no longer just an extra. This has been the deal for over half a year, my trial period has ended some time ago, so I'm literally part of the dream team.
I'm sure, that someday I will become a wilderness guide, but I'm pretty young, so I still have time to change my mind about everything like thousand times. I think of my life like I would be a Sims-character; I have bigger and smaller dreams and hopes, which I pursue if I can; timing, experience and my will are the things that matter.
Bar tending gives me so much. I'm part of the dream team, I learn new things on daily basis. Latest, most interesting thing was whiskey tasting, which I have never seen or been part of before. I'm a lucky person for being able to do something that doesn't feel like a work. One of my favorite customers (although could be considered as a decoration) said the best compliment in my books; everyone who come and see me working can say that I love my job, no doubt.
I've had one panic attack this spring. Considering how much under stress I have been, I consider it a win; just one! I also applied to study bartending. I will learn more about my so called weaker spot; drinks. Working in a bar which main product is beer and whiskey, you don't remember drinks that well, so I wish to add my knowledge. 2,5 and few moths more behind. Small pieces of happiness; I get tickets worth 5 € which I can use in cultural and physical tings like gym, cinema, some fun parks etc.
I also have my first paid vacation. First one ever. Okay, technically I had paid leaves in my time in factory, but I mainly used them so I could pay rent, so I had "vacations" on weeks I didn't have work. But I could be called in later that week, so I and my boss worked them out afterwards. So it wasn't real vacation. Now I can relax. Two weeks in August, first week in Germany, small town of Wacken. Metal festival I have been waiting for a year! My weird Wacken-dreams have arrived already.
So that's what's up with me. I'll try my best to write more. But then again this reflects me the best, having times when I write a lot and then silence.
30.6.2017
24.4.2017
Working with anxiety
The subject I chose this time is something I have wanted to write about for some time now. It's not a hard subject for me actually, because I have learned to live with it. But what makes it hard today is that every time someone finds out about it, they look at me like I am freak who manages day by day. Like I would just snap or explode any second. Ticking time-bomb. I want to write about it, so people who have anxiety can smile, say that "I'm not alone" and cope better. And so people who have no idea what it's like, I want to open your eyes.
So, here we go.
What is an anxiety attack?
Simply, it's a reaction to a situation where you don't know how you are supposed to act or what you are supposed to do. Sometimes there is too much going around, sounds, lights, voices, feelings etc. and you don't know where to focus, so your heartbeat rises, you feel unable to move any muscle on your body on any way and you have the urge to back off from the situation; taking some physical distance can make a difference and cooling yourself off can help pick up the pieces in your mind and make you able to work through the situation.
When it gets worse with me, I'm usually alone. I lose the sense of time, I feel like my body parts are falling off, so I lie down and hold myself together. Breathing gets hard. Tears start falling. I start to feel like control of everything has slipped through my fingers, everything has taken away from me. When it gets this bad, I can't snap out of it on my own.
What does it feel like?
It makes me feel powerless. Sometimes it's not that bad, like some needle pinching me now and then. Sometimes it's like someone ripped my chest and stomach open, ripped my lungs out and held them in front of me. Usual thing I feel is that I can't breathe. Like someone sucked all air out f my body and left me with nothing. I get stuck and it takes a while to recover from it. Tears start falling and I really want to lie down and hold myself together.
How to live with anxiety?
Talking about it helps, and it doesn't have to be a professional listened. Friends, family, anyone willing to listen can help. Just don't take every advise or "tomorrow will be better" lame sentences, tell them that you don't need anything else but a listening pair of ears. Soft, but not forceful touch can do the trick too.
Also learning to not bottle things up; when it pours over, it pours out good and can lead to not-wanted attention and destroying relationships, friendships... you name it. I have fond exercise helpful, but everyone is different. Nature, silence and everything that makes you feel relaxed is good.
You should throw yourself into situations. The more you dare to do so, it pushes the anxiety away. It's scary and feels weird and can hurt in beginning, but by time you learn to react in new situations better. You learn to let go of the need to be in control and when the need fades a little, you actually control yourself better.
Will it ever go away?
Nope. You can fade it a little, or turn into a pill popping junkie, but it will be there. And what people around you have to handle is hard and probably frustrating. But you can find people around you who can help you around. When I have an attack on first-aid, my friends never asked or talked or wondered about it, they gave me my much needed space. Every time I have had an attack, it started like a wildfire; fast and burning. But no-one knows the signs. No-one usually notices or dares to say something.
But with the right people around you, who listen and give you space. Who love you and who let you be there for them, so you feel equal.
I hope this helped some of you. It sure helped me.
So, here we go.
What is an anxiety attack?
Simply, it's a reaction to a situation where you don't know how you are supposed to act or what you are supposed to do. Sometimes there is too much going around, sounds, lights, voices, feelings etc. and you don't know where to focus, so your heartbeat rises, you feel unable to move any muscle on your body on any way and you have the urge to back off from the situation; taking some physical distance can make a difference and cooling yourself off can help pick up the pieces in your mind and make you able to work through the situation.
When it gets worse with me, I'm usually alone. I lose the sense of time, I feel like my body parts are falling off, so I lie down and hold myself together. Breathing gets hard. Tears start falling. I start to feel like control of everything has slipped through my fingers, everything has taken away from me. When it gets this bad, I can't snap out of it on my own.
What does it feel like?
It makes me feel powerless. Sometimes it's not that bad, like some needle pinching me now and then. Sometimes it's like someone ripped my chest and stomach open, ripped my lungs out and held them in front of me. Usual thing I feel is that I can't breathe. Like someone sucked all air out f my body and left me with nothing. I get stuck and it takes a while to recover from it. Tears start falling and I really want to lie down and hold myself together.
How to live with anxiety?
Talking about it helps, and it doesn't have to be a professional listened. Friends, family, anyone willing to listen can help. Just don't take every advise or "tomorrow will be better" lame sentences, tell them that you don't need anything else but a listening pair of ears. Soft, but not forceful touch can do the trick too.
Also learning to not bottle things up; when it pours over, it pours out good and can lead to not-wanted attention and destroying relationships, friendships... you name it. I have fond exercise helpful, but everyone is different. Nature, silence and everything that makes you feel relaxed is good.
You should throw yourself into situations. The more you dare to do so, it pushes the anxiety away. It's scary and feels weird and can hurt in beginning, but by time you learn to react in new situations better. You learn to let go of the need to be in control and when the need fades a little, you actually control yourself better.
Will it ever go away?
Nope. You can fade it a little, or turn into a pill popping junkie, but it will be there. And what people around you have to handle is hard and probably frustrating. But you can find people around you who can help you around. When I have an attack on first-aid, my friends never asked or talked or wondered about it, they gave me my much needed space. Every time I have had an attack, it started like a wildfire; fast and burning. But no-one knows the signs. No-one usually notices or dares to say something.
But with the right people around you, who listen and give you space. Who love you and who let you be there for them, so you feel equal.
I hope this helped some of you. It sure helped me.
20.3.2017
Personal - What about looks?
I have desided to make a stand here.
Just so we are clear - I love my style. I like wearing my clothes, I like my makeup and what's most important, I love my hair. My mohawk (growing it to deadhawk) is the best. When I was teenager, I understood that to really like myself I can make changes. I had brown, long hair. I cut it to my shoulders and colored it orange. That's how all of this started. I have never enjoyed looking like every other girl, I have always liked popping out in a special way. And believe me when I tell you, people laughed a lot to me.
But now, when I have side cuts, sometimes even side balds. Somehow people think it's okay to comment on the way I look, because it's so radical. But then again, people who comment usually don't pop up like I do. They would disappear in the sea of people with their plain everything. I have never understood why people want to lose themselves, scalp every humane, sweet and weird parts off just to belong, even if it was a lie.
The thing is, if you repeat a lie long enough, you can make yourself believe that it's true. But lie is always a lie. And I simply can't understand why anyone would hurt themselves by hiding who they really are just to impress someone? If you have to impress by changing who you are, is it worth it?
Change is sometimes good. Sometimes it makes you better, stronger and wiser. But sometimes you forget who you really are.
So when you feel the urge to look at me and people like me and state that "We look exactly to same", please shut up. Yes. There are about less than million who look like me. But almost everyone who passes you by look like you. So who are you to comment on me?
Also, people saying things like "your hair is amazing" and "I wish I was brave enough", it's just hair. It'll grow back. Also, you are probably the persons who have looked the same their whole life (because mother knows best how you should wear you hair) and to state out, I would be scared to go to a professional looking like they do. It's embarrassing.
Let me hear you scream. And I mean it.
Just so we are clear - I love my style. I like wearing my clothes, I like my makeup and what's most important, I love my hair. My mohawk (growing it to deadhawk) is the best. When I was teenager, I understood that to really like myself I can make changes. I had brown, long hair. I cut it to my shoulders and colored it orange. That's how all of this started. I have never enjoyed looking like every other girl, I have always liked popping out in a special way. And believe me when I tell you, people laughed a lot to me.
But now, when I have side cuts, sometimes even side balds. Somehow people think it's okay to comment on the way I look, because it's so radical. But then again, people who comment usually don't pop up like I do. They would disappear in the sea of people with their plain everything. I have never understood why people want to lose themselves, scalp every humane, sweet and weird parts off just to belong, even if it was a lie.
The thing is, if you repeat a lie long enough, you can make yourself believe that it's true. But lie is always a lie. And I simply can't understand why anyone would hurt themselves by hiding who they really are just to impress someone? If you have to impress by changing who you are, is it worth it?
Change is sometimes good. Sometimes it makes you better, stronger and wiser. But sometimes you forget who you really are.
So when you feel the urge to look at me and people like me and state that "We look exactly to same", please shut up. Yes. There are about less than million who look like me. But almost everyone who passes you by look like you. So who are you to comment on me?
Also, people saying things like "your hair is amazing" and "I wish I was brave enough", it's just hair. It'll grow back. Also, you are probably the persons who have looked the same their whole life (because mother knows best how you should wear you hair) and to state out, I would be scared to go to a professional looking like they do. It's embarrassing.
Let me hear you scream. And I mean it.
17.3.2017
Bartending - Holidays and sickdays
As we all know, when you normally work an 8-hour desk-job (or basically any other non-restaurant job) you have some days off. If you get sick, you take some time off, the shifts you have probably never changes in 24 hours of notice (or if they do, it's rare). You have vacation time on calendar holidays...
Probably have been said before, but still standing behind it: I couldn't imagine myself in a "40-hours in a week" kind of job with free time on weekends. Never. But after seeing some new faces on the restaurant business, I desided to write this piece. Also, these are few of the things that can tell whenever you are fit for a month versus making a living out of it. So, here we go.
Let's start with in sickness and in health. If it's not contagious (because you work face-to-face and with groceries) or if you have all your limbs together you're good to go. Or at least most of us don't want to quit. Why? With the payment we have, you do pretty short but exhausting (physically and mentally) hours, so it doesn't seem like a big deal. We want to do those hours too, working in a bar can sweep you out of your feet and it feels weird to be away. Or that's how I see it. So you take sick-leave only when it's bad. I'm not taking any sides, I think that you (and your doctor) are the only one(s) to determine your health and what you can and can't do.
And about holidays. Christmas, birthdays, you name it. Every "normal people" day off is a working day. Because hey, if I wouldn't work, you could't have your beer at a bar. You'd have to have it in your home. Or risk being harassed by the police, they really don't take public drinking well. So in the events including having a beer, sparkling wine and shots, people should be happy that people like me exist. The thing is not to be too attached to some specific day; you can always celebrate early or after.
Also, social life is past the roof. Staying in shape and saving money is pretty easy, when you work the hours most people make so called "bad decisions". And you actually have a chance of making sure that people are safe and maybe even prevent the worst ideas people get when they are drunk. I don't believe that you can blame it on alcohol. Every time you have to apologize and include words "but" or "you don't understand" or basically anything to explain the situation, you have done wrong. And under the influence of alcohol or anything actually, you as an adult have to take the responsibility. And note; if you are an adult and want to be treated like one, act like one.
Of course it feels hard sometimes. Of course you miss some nights. But what you get in return, if you love what you do, you can do it.
Probably have been said before, but still standing behind it: I couldn't imagine myself in a "40-hours in a week" kind of job with free time on weekends. Never. But after seeing some new faces on the restaurant business, I desided to write this piece. Also, these are few of the things that can tell whenever you are fit for a month versus making a living out of it. So, here we go.
Let's start with in sickness and in health. If it's not contagious (because you work face-to-face and with groceries) or if you have all your limbs together you're good to go. Or at least most of us don't want to quit. Why? With the payment we have, you do pretty short but exhausting (physically and mentally) hours, so it doesn't seem like a big deal. We want to do those hours too, working in a bar can sweep you out of your feet and it feels weird to be away. Or that's how I see it. So you take sick-leave only when it's bad. I'm not taking any sides, I think that you (and your doctor) are the only one(s) to determine your health and what you can and can't do.
And about holidays. Christmas, birthdays, you name it. Every "normal people" day off is a working day. Because hey, if I wouldn't work, you could't have your beer at a bar. You'd have to have it in your home. Or risk being harassed by the police, they really don't take public drinking well. So in the events including having a beer, sparkling wine and shots, people should be happy that people like me exist. The thing is not to be too attached to some specific day; you can always celebrate early or after.
Also, social life is past the roof. Staying in shape and saving money is pretty easy, when you work the hours most people make so called "bad decisions". And you actually have a chance of making sure that people are safe and maybe even prevent the worst ideas people get when they are drunk. I don't believe that you can blame it on alcohol. Every time you have to apologize and include words "but" or "you don't understand" or basically anything to explain the situation, you have done wrong. And under the influence of alcohol or anything actually, you as an adult have to take the responsibility. And note; if you are an adult and want to be treated like one, act like one.
Of course it feels hard sometimes. Of course you miss some nights. But what you get in return, if you love what you do, you can do it.
14.3.2017
Band update - Avenged Sevenfold with special guests Disturbed and Chevelle
Exactly week ago I got to see my favorite band play live. Also I got the chance to shake off my anxiety of crowded places... Or to fight it a little, at least.
So. I went all alone to Hartwall Arena in Helsinki, where the concert was held place. It seemed bigger than I had imagined, but things went really smoothly from parking to the actual concert and leaving home. Surprisingly smoothly, I'd have to add.
First one was a band called Chevelle. I have never heard about it before, but it sounds pretty good. Especially on live. I have a sample for you, a song called "Door to Door Cannibal". I didn't take any photos of the band, I'm afraid. I saved my camera for Disturbed and Avenged.
Then. The best of the best; Disturbed. I have waited for almost five years to see them go live. For my unfortunate, the year I first heard of Disturbed was also the year they desided to have a break from recording and doing concerts. So finally, after five years I got to see them go live, and they were amazing. I loved every second of it, even the media wrote that Disturbed was the best that night. Although I don't think that Chevelle has that many fans here in Finland. And Disturbed-fans were probably the most exited. For their song I have chosen one of my favorites; "The Light".
And last but not least; Avenged Sevenfold. I'm actually not that big of a fan, but I do like their music. Between bands I had to think if I was going to stay and listen. I had paid to see them, but I was scared about the amount of people rushing to their cars. I'm glad I stayed. Although there was a drunk idiot (who made noise for three songs and then got thrown out) it was amazing. From them, the song to listen is my favorite of all time; "Nightmare".
It was fun. Whole night. I do recommend all, if you like something better than pop.
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| Disturbed - Down With the Sickness |
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| Avenged Sevenfold - Nightmare |
10.2.2017
Under the paw
Okay, I have done some rants for the last few times, so I think it's time to write about something cheerful.
So, my sister got married. They got "secretly" married, but not so secretly, since they have to invite people from Sweden and Finland to their party. They had to send invitations early. Now I have a brother-in-law, and that's the closest I have ever been to have a brother. He's nice and what I have seen, he treats my sister well.
Also our living-arrangements have been settled. For now, at least. Still looking for a new apartment tough, not going to give up.
And although the title implies, it's not me under the paw; my parents. They have embraced my lovely little boy and learned to live with him. He is the King of this household, and they have fallen in love with him. So everything looks good on that side, too.
I started writing this in the morning. I have some trouble to adjust the fact that I'm turning years. It feels weird, and I find hard to react to other people. It feels really uncomfortable. Just like handing with people giving compliments, this is not my cup of tea. Totally out of my comfort-zone.
But I had a nice last day of 22.
I took a lot of pictures with my two friends, who I don't see nearly as much as I'd like to. We had some fun, played with two dogs and drank some coffee.
I'm sort of out of words. The reason I wanted to write is mostly for the sake of writing, to be honest. So to feel better, I'm going to share few photos I took.
So, my sister got married. They got "secretly" married, but not so secretly, since they have to invite people from Sweden and Finland to their party. They had to send invitations early. Now I have a brother-in-law, and that's the closest I have ever been to have a brother. He's nice and what I have seen, he treats my sister well.
Also our living-arrangements have been settled. For now, at least. Still looking for a new apartment tough, not going to give up.
And although the title implies, it's not me under the paw; my parents. They have embraced my lovely little boy and learned to live with him. He is the King of this household, and they have fallen in love with him. So everything looks good on that side, too.
I started writing this in the morning. I have some trouble to adjust the fact that I'm turning years. It feels weird, and I find hard to react to other people. It feels really uncomfortable. Just like handing with people giving compliments, this is not my cup of tea. Totally out of my comfort-zone.
But I had a nice last day of 22.
I took a lot of pictures with my two friends, who I don't see nearly as much as I'd like to. We had some fun, played with two dogs and drank some coffee.
I'm sort of out of words. The reason I wanted to write is mostly for the sake of writing, to be honest. So to feel better, I'm going to share few photos I took.
8.2.2017
Ain't no rest for the wicked | Bartender's toughts
I have been too overwhelmed to write about anything, really. I'm sorry about that. So, I'll bring you up to speed.
Nothing and at the same time everything has changed. My plans of becoming a wilderness-guide has taken few steps back, while my career as bartender has taken leaps forward. I probably wont be going up north next winter, but I don't think that I have any rush. I'll take my time.
But that's not all. I feel like I have finally had the true taste of what it's like being a bartender and I can fairly say that I'm addicted. After every bad happening something thousand times better has happened. Although let's face it; every year new patch of 18-year-olds are welcome to the bar and we have to teach them how to act in public. And on top of that, it's not the young ones who misbehave the most; it's the elder who need helping, understanding hand to guide them.
I have no problem identifying myself as workaholic. To be honest, I could not imagine myself in a work that I hate in order to gain money, power or status. I simply can't. I have to do what I love, otherwise I would be wasting my time. I understand, that it's never going to be pure roses and sugar. I don't want that sort of lies.
I think I have said this before, but one of the greatest perks is that I have is a lot of free time. Of course I have shorter shifts, but I also do 10-11 hours. So no 8 hour desk job, I like my style. And with the night time extras, my paychecks are pretty OK. Although it requires a lot of hours too and long shifts, I like it.
I have tough of having some type of hobby, maybe something that takes me more outdoors than taking pictures and sitting in front of my computer. I have been thinking of going back to volleyball or riding horses, I really loved those activities. But we'll see, what life gives.
After my last grandparent died, I have felt sadness and unbelief. So much has happened in this half-a-year-window, I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to feel anymore. Or if I'm supposed to feel at all. I feel like the Terminator, a machine. Just doing my thing with my heart hardly beating of feeling anything. I do understand that I'm supposed to be sad and then get over it, but I am functional even if this short of things happen. I'm not a loon or even mentally broken, I simply can box things and deal with them when I feel like it.
Oh, I have to share my grandfathers last joke. As he was placed in the elderly house, the nurses asked why didn't he have a wheelchair. He answered; "I will not sit on wheels if they don't give me one with V8-engine!".
So, from cradle to grave, always with a joke. With a smile. That's my grandfather for you.
Nothing and at the same time everything has changed. My plans of becoming a wilderness-guide has taken few steps back, while my career as bartender has taken leaps forward. I probably wont be going up north next winter, but I don't think that I have any rush. I'll take my time.
But that's not all. I feel like I have finally had the true taste of what it's like being a bartender and I can fairly say that I'm addicted. After every bad happening something thousand times better has happened. Although let's face it; every year new patch of 18-year-olds are welcome to the bar and we have to teach them how to act in public. And on top of that, it's not the young ones who misbehave the most; it's the elder who need helping, understanding hand to guide them.
I have no problem identifying myself as workaholic. To be honest, I could not imagine myself in a work that I hate in order to gain money, power or status. I simply can't. I have to do what I love, otherwise I would be wasting my time. I understand, that it's never going to be pure roses and sugar. I don't want that sort of lies.
I think I have said this before, but one of the greatest perks is that I have is a lot of free time. Of course I have shorter shifts, but I also do 10-11 hours. So no 8 hour desk job, I like my style. And with the night time extras, my paychecks are pretty OK. Although it requires a lot of hours too and long shifts, I like it.
I have tough of having some type of hobby, maybe something that takes me more outdoors than taking pictures and sitting in front of my computer. I have been thinking of going back to volleyball or riding horses, I really loved those activities. But we'll see, what life gives.
After my last grandparent died, I have felt sadness and unbelief. So much has happened in this half-a-year-window, I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to feel anymore. Or if I'm supposed to feel at all. I feel like the Terminator, a machine. Just doing my thing with my heart hardly beating of feeling anything. I do understand that I'm supposed to be sad and then get over it, but I am functional even if this short of things happen. I'm not a loon or even mentally broken, I simply can box things and deal with them when I feel like it.
Oh, I have to share my grandfathers last joke. As he was placed in the elderly house, the nurses asked why didn't he have a wheelchair. He answered; "I will not sit on wheels if they don't give me one with V8-engine!".
So, from cradle to grave, always with a joke. With a smile. That's my grandfather for you.
2.1.2017
Bury but remember | Coffin calls
As the headline suggests in a really grotesque way, I have someone to bury. I have lost my last grandparent, who is related to me by blood. I'm still not sure how to react to it, just like I didn't know how to react when first of them died (or actually second, since I never got to know my fathers father).
It's weird. I do not believe in heaven or hell, but if there is any kind of afterlife, my grandparents are finally together now. All four of them. Especially I have felt sad for my mothers father; he lost his love a long time ago, but then again. Where ever they are, they are all together now.
I have talked about death especially to one of my co-workers. He wants to be frozen so he can maybe wake up later. I think that's sick but I kind of see his point in it. Or then he's just messing with me, which isn't that rare. I myself don't want to live too long, if you know what I mean.
I don't know which is more devilish; having clear mind and body failing or ending up with half of the brain working every three days, having one day of clear sense. Both seem nasty, cruel and heart-breaking to anyone around.
In my future, I hope that Euthanasia is legal. That I have a choice, or people around me can deside to pull the plug before I'm too lost in somewhere. I do understand that it hurts, but I don't want to be a nuisance or even worse; not being able to understand what's around me.
But then again. Maybe science evolves to the point that I can't ever reach the graveyard. Although I hope that someday I can finally rest in piece.
It's weird. I do not believe in heaven or hell, but if there is any kind of afterlife, my grandparents are finally together now. All four of them. Especially I have felt sad for my mothers father; he lost his love a long time ago, but then again. Where ever they are, they are all together now.
I have talked about death especially to one of my co-workers. He wants to be frozen so he can maybe wake up later. I think that's sick but I kind of see his point in it. Or then he's just messing with me, which isn't that rare. I myself don't want to live too long, if you know what I mean.
I don't know which is more devilish; having clear mind and body failing or ending up with half of the brain working every three days, having one day of clear sense. Both seem nasty, cruel and heart-breaking to anyone around.
In my future, I hope that Euthanasia is legal. That I have a choice, or people around me can deside to pull the plug before I'm too lost in somewhere. I do understand that it hurts, but I don't want to be a nuisance or even worse; not being able to understand what's around me.
But then again. Maybe science evolves to the point that I can't ever reach the graveyard. Although I hope that someday I can finally rest in piece.
Working from year to another | Welcome 2017
Like every living and thinking being in this planet, I have also been remembering times from last year. Feels little weird calling it last year, less than 30 hours after.
It was like a roller coaster. And not always the funniest or awesome, but also sad and depressing. People who know me, I have fought against high level of anxiety. And this year showed me that I'm coping with it pretty well. Countless times my first instinct was to get away from people, isolate myself completely. Instead I have stood against that feeling. I have felt the fear, loneliness and sorrow trying to get control of me. So I have grown. So much, that I'm not even capable to measure it like it was a cup of water or bucket full of snow.
This year was on gamer scale Legendary. To put it on easier terms, this has been one of the hardest years. My anxiety has been kind of keeping me in a safe bubble; not really taking risks or jumping to unknown. But after this year, I feel like I can leave to Iceland or Canada if I feel like it. I feel stronger, more myself. Like I have woken up form a distant dream.
Lapland. Terrorist-attacks. Bar work, Wacken...
So much. And when I became friends with a girl living close to Isis-attacks, all of that became very real. Also going to a festival made for over 80 000 people, in Germany, I was worried. All of it became real. And I am so glad that I live in Finland, this is super safe although law is sometimes (read; all of the times) ridiculously strict. But then again. Better this way, i guess.
And my time in Lapland. I loved it. I will go back there, when it suits my whole life better. Now it's my time to be a bartender. Although my attitude towards it has been evolving, too. Like many other jobs, that is a place where you learn something new even after hundred of years. And what's the funny part? The second you think that you know it all, someone pulls the rug under you and you fall. The higher you think of yourself, the higher the fall. When you get over your head and think that "I'm the best" someone comes and makes you question your self-esteem. But if you have bright eyes and toss the shitty know-it-all attitude to the garbage, if you can stomach tease and really bad, sometimes pure evil comments from all over, you'll be fine. If you don't know, ask, even if someone laughs; don't let it get to you. Everything comes and goes and getting stuck with one comment is pointless.
Well that was more of a rant than memory-lane. But I really needed to get it out. I have been hearing comments about my work; all fail to understand, I'm starting to see why most restaurant-people date other restaurant-people; it's much easier. I wish that I'm lucky to meet someone, who understands completely my passion for work, since that thrives me to go on at the moment.
So my year was pretty much lived like those days would be my last. You know, I won't regret it at any cost. It has been a ride to remember, although my days have been mushed together in my devious brain... partly at least.
Have fun with 2017! I know I will!
It was like a roller coaster. And not always the funniest or awesome, but also sad and depressing. People who know me, I have fought against high level of anxiety. And this year showed me that I'm coping with it pretty well. Countless times my first instinct was to get away from people, isolate myself completely. Instead I have stood against that feeling. I have felt the fear, loneliness and sorrow trying to get control of me. So I have grown. So much, that I'm not even capable to measure it like it was a cup of water or bucket full of snow.
This year was on gamer scale Legendary. To put it on easier terms, this has been one of the hardest years. My anxiety has been kind of keeping me in a safe bubble; not really taking risks or jumping to unknown. But after this year, I feel like I can leave to Iceland or Canada if I feel like it. I feel stronger, more myself. Like I have woken up form a distant dream.
Lapland. Terrorist-attacks. Bar work, Wacken...
So much. And when I became friends with a girl living close to Isis-attacks, all of that became very real. Also going to a festival made for over 80 000 people, in Germany, I was worried. All of it became real. And I am so glad that I live in Finland, this is super safe although law is sometimes (read; all of the times) ridiculously strict. But then again. Better this way, i guess.
And my time in Lapland. I loved it. I will go back there, when it suits my whole life better. Now it's my time to be a bartender. Although my attitude towards it has been evolving, too. Like many other jobs, that is a place where you learn something new even after hundred of years. And what's the funny part? The second you think that you know it all, someone pulls the rug under you and you fall. The higher you think of yourself, the higher the fall. When you get over your head and think that "I'm the best" someone comes and makes you question your self-esteem. But if you have bright eyes and toss the shitty know-it-all attitude to the garbage, if you can stomach tease and really bad, sometimes pure evil comments from all over, you'll be fine. If you don't know, ask, even if someone laughs; don't let it get to you. Everything comes and goes and getting stuck with one comment is pointless.
Well that was more of a rant than memory-lane. But I really needed to get it out. I have been hearing comments about my work; all fail to understand, I'm starting to see why most restaurant-people date other restaurant-people; it's much easier. I wish that I'm lucky to meet someone, who understands completely my passion for work, since that thrives me to go on at the moment.
So my year was pretty much lived like those days would be my last. You know, I won't regret it at any cost. It has been a ride to remember, although my days have been mushed together in my devious brain... partly at least.
Have fun with 2017! I know I will!
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